Gays, Klansmen Tussle in Street Battle

CHICAGO, IL--- Dozens of brawls erupted on the streets of Chicago when two floats from overlapping parade routes collided Saturday. Members of the KKK White Power Rally began pelting innocent bystanders with ashtrays and coffee mugs when the "White National Socialists Kiln-On-Wheels" smashed into the "Liberace Lifetime Achievement" float of the rival Gay Pride Parade. Gay Pride supporters became enraged when the two crashing floats destroyed a brand new Baby Grand piano. Within moments, participants of both parades began violently beating each other.

Injured in the melee, White Empowerment Committee Chairman Jeb Miller said, "Them dern Nancys broke my daggumm nose." Police broke up the fights and eventually restored order. Mayor Rahm Emanuel is holding the police department responsible for allowing multiple road closure permits in the same place on the same day. "You can't run a city in an organized and concise way when you have incompetent public servants doing shoddy paperwork and making silly mistakes. We've got to get it together and tighten things up."

Local hospitals were overwhelmed after the incident. The most common injuries were black eyes, abrasions and hickies. There was one report of a patient admitted overnight for further observation, according to a hospital spokesperson. A man dressed as Mary Poppins reportedly had an umbrella lodged in his rectum. When asked by police if he wished to press charges against the Klansmen, the man claimed to have been in a different part of the parade, and that the injury had been self-inflicted.


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