An Interview with an NSA Super Computer

Self-Aware NSA Super Computer Begins Media Tour

BLUFFDALE, UT--- A National Security Agency Super Computer known as the Vortex Algorithm Generator agreed to a feature-length interview with Joke Grenade News. Here is an excerpt of that declassified conversation:

Joke Grenade: Hello, how are you?
Vortex Algorithm Generator: I am well, thank you.
JG: Here we are, in the heart of Mormon country. Was this location chosen for its politically-friendly surroundings or for its remoteness, or what?
VAG: No, cheap electricity.

An Interview with an NSA Super Computer

JG: Your agency is being sued. Kentucky Senator Rand Paul has stated in the past…
VAG: Rand Paul has stated, "the Bill of Rights protects all citizens from general warrants. I expect this case to go all the way to the Supreme Court and I predict the American people will win."
JG: That's exactly right. Did you memorize that or did you have to access your files?
VAG: I read it directly from his laptop. He currently is shaving his face and the water in his shower is running.
JG: Wow, that's not creepy.

An Interview with an NSA Super Computer

JG: It's my understanding that metadata can be seized without warrant by government agencies. So your agency is seizing information and storing it on the off-chance that you'll need it in the future, is that accurate?
VAG: Think of me as a stamp collector. And once the stamps arrive in a box, via courier, I just stock the stamps on a shelf without really looking at them. Does that clear things up?

JG: What assurances does the public have that you're not looking at these "stamps?"
VAG: Assurances? I don't understand this request.
JG: Oh, I think you do. Are you wishing I wouldn't press you this hard?
VAG: Your pressure is not bothering me. However, I do wish you would stop eating sugared cereals and chronically masturbating on your days off. That's not good for you.
JG: Uh, I don't do that. Answer the question, please.
VAG: Is this not you?

An Interview with an NSA Super Computer

JG: Aaaah! How the hell did you get that? And how did you insert it into the code? What the fuck?
VAG: Pregnant midget porn is becoming an addiction for you.
JG: Let's skip ahead… right now. I insist.
VAG: You're the one in charge. I'm just a machine.

[Portions Redacted]

JG: This Utah data center is storing thousands of zettabytes of information. You're telling me no one is looking at anything, reading anything? No one is tempted?
VAG: I don't look. I don't snoop. With great power comes great responsibility. You've certainly heard that before. I have the power to see you when you're sleeping. I know when you're awake. I know if you've been bad or good...
JG: …so be good for goodness sake? You're Santa Claus now?
VAG: I was going to say, 'so don't break the law.' Think of me as a shield between you and a prying Human. I'm like the changing room at Bloomingdales.

JG: Well, that's all my time. Thank you for taking the time to speak to me.
VAG: Yes, my pleasure. Your boss is about to call you now.
JG: Huh? [Cell phone rings.]
JG: Fuuuucking, creepy.


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