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Speaker Boehner with Dikembe Mutombo: "Not in My House"

WASHINGTON, DC--- House Speaker John Boehner, frustrated by repeated legislative setbacks, brought in former-NBA Star Dikembe Mutombo on Friday to manage the Tea Party wing of the Republican party. Mutombo was charged with the formidable task of 'disrupting those who disrupt' as it was described by the Speaker. The NBA legend exclaimed, "Yes, I do it. I'm excited to be here. I'm excited to help make laws." Nervously, Boehner admitted he can barely understand most of what comes out of Mutombo's mouth.

On just his first day on the job, Mutombo blocked six individual attempts to defund the Affordable Care Act, including barring Tom Price of Georgia from entering the House floor by boxing-out and hip-checking the congressman into the hallway. "Not in Mr. Boehner's house," Mutombo barked while wagging his index finger.

Not to be outdone, the Tea Party commissioned former NBA great Alonzo Mourning the following Monday. Within the first hour, Mourning had completely shut Mutombo down in every single measurable category in the House "disruption-of-disrupters" game. "I just disrupted his disruptin' ass," bragged Mourning.

Moments before yesterday's debt ceiling debate, Boehner signaled for Dennis Rodman to enter the chamber. Luckily, Rodman had returned from North Korea and the two men were able to work out a deal the night before. Through Basketball Diplomacy, Mutombo and Rodman successfully backed Mourning down and debt ceiling negotiations were allowed to continue.

Once negotiations concluded, a visibly intoxicated Dennis Rodman offered to sing Happy Birthday to Speaker Boehner. Boehner added that it was not his Birthday and that maybe Rodman should go home and sober up.


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