Thrice Upon a Time in Mexico

Moreno Cartel Leader Killed Again

Deceased Mexican Cartel Leader Who Was Killed, May Be Dead Again

MEXICO CITY--- The Mexican government confirmed last week that Nazario Moreno Gonzalez, leader of the Knights Templar Cartel, was killed in a two-day gun battle with Federal authorities. Moreno had been declared 'not-alive' by Mexican authorities once before, after a gun fight supposedly left him dead in 2010. But all of that news is soooo last week. The latest from Mexico now is that Nazario Moreno may, in fact, be dead again today--for the third time.

"The Craziest One," as Moreno is known, had ran the cartel as a quasi-religious cult that brought (in their own words) "social justice" to the farmlands of Michoacan. The Knights Templar Cartel is a major trafficker of methamphetamine to the United States. In addition to meth, the cartel extorts money from local communities on goods like vegetables and tortillas. Moreno has served simultaneously as cartel "capo" and martyred folk legend since his first death in 2010.

All of this "dying more-than-once" talk reminds us of the 1991 film Dead Again, starring Kenneth Branagh and Emma Thompson. Man, that was a really great movie... and underrated too.

Cartel Leader Has been Killed Again and the Dead Again Movie poster

Anyhoo, back to the news story...

It turns out the "Craziest One" wasn't killed in 2010. Even more bizarre, the drug lord had been spotted since his supposed demise last week. In fact, the latest from Mexico is that Nazario "El Chayo" Moreno Gonzalez has died in a fiery car crash as recently as this morning.

During a high speed chase, the Mexican military used a bomb taped to rocket-propelled roller skates to reach and blow up the vehicle carrying Moreno. The Marines had to resort to the roller skate scheme after an earlier plan failed to drop an anvil onto the cartel capo's head. The Mexican government intends to sue the Acme Corporation.

Moreno Cartel leader killed again knights templar

So for a third time, the Mexican government is officially announcing the death of Nazario "El Chayo" Moreno Gonzalez. Dental records confirmed the body in custody was the cartel leader. "It's over... again," said Alejandro Poire, a spokesman for Federal Government Security.

Breaking News: Nazario Moreno Gonzalez has just been killed outside of Mexico City. Although details are still sketchy at this time, the reported cause of death is lightning strike. It is unclear whether or not the Mexican government was involved.


  • facebook logo
    Let's Be Facebook Friends Instead of Actual Friends. Things Are Always Better Without Eye Contact.
  • twitter logo
    If Laughing at Yourself Builds Character, Follow Us On Twitter to See It Happen 140 Times Per Tweet.
  • YouTube logo
    Subscribe to Our YouTube Channel Because It is WAAAY Easier Than Reading All of These Damn Words.
  • google-plus logo
    Plus One Our Google-Plus Page and a Member of Our Staff Could Be Your 'Plus One' in a Truck Stop Restroom.
  • Subscribe to RSS Feed
    Often Neglect the Things You Love? Subscribe In a Reader. You're Scatterbrained. It's OK. It's Called "Knowing Yourself."