Classic Koch

Koch Brothers Donate a lot to Conservative Candidates

Republican Candidates Scramble for Koch Money

ASPEN, CO---Ambitious conservative candidates are eagerly awaiting the upcoming yield of an Americans For Prosperity fundraiser. The right-wing Super PAC is holding an event to raise donations for like-minded politicians at a posh ski chalet in Aspen, Colorado. Although the weather is a bit warm to do any serious skiing, the lavish parties and high stakes money have the full attention of politicians-- all hoping for a slice of the Americans for Prosperity money pie. More accurately, (whether it's Charles or David) everyone wants Koch.

"It's always good to have a little white powder to take the edge off. But nobody came here to ski. They can't even blow any snow up here this time of year. There's no snow and no blow at all. So the entire focus is the fundraiser and getting our hands on some Koch money," said Paul Ryan, a Republican Congressman from Wisconsin. "But this mountain air smells fantastic. It's pure nose candy."

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Throughout the fundraising weekend, there has been no official sighting of the brothers Koch. Without question, they are the rockstars everyone has come to see. Yet they are no where to be found. Even still, there is no shortage of the brothers' quotes being tossed around. In spite of their absence, the brothers are arguably the most quoted fellows at the conference.

Texas Governor Rick Perry commented, "it's like nobody has their own views on anything this weekend. Just lines of Koch all the time. You go into one room... it's lines of Koch. You go into another room... more lines of Koch. Doesn't anybody have anything original to say? Hey, are any of you reporters holding?"

It's no surprise, really. When Charles and David speak, candidates and political action committee members alike become giddy school children. This is especially true when David enters a room. There have been reports of increased heart rates and elevations in blood pressure from Koch. Some experience a high rate of breathing and intense feelings of euphoria.

"Look, campaigns are expensive. That's why it's important for me to have the caviar of campaign contributors. It's Koch, Koch, Koch. It's what I need everytime," said Texas Senator Ted Cruz. "If you don't have Koch money, you're behind the eight-ball. Speaking of which, any of you guys know where a guy can get an eight ball?"

'Humor--Koch Brothers Scott Walker Cocaine Joke

It is rumored that the Super PAC fundraising event will end a day early due to erratic behavior and violent mood swings of some fundraiser attendees. "It's OK. I'm just fired up. That's all. These Koch parties do that to me," quipped Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker. "This is where I get my energy. Koch gets you in the game. And you gotta get in the game in order to win."


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