Round the Clock Protests in Kiev, Ukraine

Putin's Response to Global Criticism on Ukraine Invasion: "Cri-Me-A River, You Girlie Man!"

KIEV, UKRAINE--- Pro-Russian leadership in Crimea swiftly moved to be "annexed" by their bigger and stronger Mother Russia - a move that many in the new Ukranian government see as highly illegal. President Obama and a U.S. delegation met Vladimir Putin and Russian authorities for face-to-face discussions in Ukraine's capital city of Kiev. The meeting, originally scheduled in a luxury hotel suite, was moved to a giant meat locker after high-tech audio surveillance equipment was detected.

'Obama and Putin Negotiate in a Freezer -- Cold War Funny

Once lawmakers in Crimea "speed-voted" to merge with the Russian Federation on Wednesday, the United States jumped into hyper-drive to organize an impromptu "summit." The discovery of the "bugging" equipment sent both sides heading for the exits, until a White House staff member suggested the alternate meeting space. After much reluctance, the Russian President finally agreed to throw on a jacket and get into the walk-in freezer with President Obama.

The two-man summit in the freezer, while promising at first, ultimately ended at an impasse after only three hours. Each side, while wishing for vastly different rezonings of the Ukraine, Crimea and Russian borders, refused to come together in the spirit of compromise. Here is a look at the United States' more-than-reasonable remapping proposal...

United States Rezoning of the Ukraine:

The United States Proposal for Rezoning the Borders of Ukraine and Crimea

President Obama ended the talks, "supremely frustrated" after Putin's counter-offer to the U.S. proposal to rezone. Here is Putin's counter offer…

The Russian Plan:

Russian Proposal to Rezoning Ukraine's borders-funny

Secretary of State John Kerry, who was in nearby Crimea, was asked if the President's trip could be viewed as a failure. The secretary said, "No, not entirely. The talks maybe didn't pan out… but the Black Sea Peninsula is absolutely breath-taking this time of year. It is our opinion that a 'push' is a win."

Hope is not entirely lost for a peaceful resolution. Just hours after the busted summit, Putin reached out to Obama via satellite phone. The new offer on the table is for Obama to come to Russia to ride horses bare-chested and re-open negotiations.

Putin said this in a thick Russian accent: "Let us stop whining like sissy boys and make the peace with Ukraine. Ride on horse with no shirt next to me and stop being little gay boy." Riding a horse half-naked with another man to NOT appear gay... politics in 2014.


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